The Weight War

My journey is one of utter frustration, I can't tell you the tears I cried and the pounds I gained before my "a-ha" moment. I felt miserable, fat and ugly, and nothing I did was good enough.  I felt awful about myself. I'm the one in black btw. This was taken in 2010.

I decided that my brain simply wouldn't allow me to lose weight. I would try but I'd be back to ice cream and chocolate in no time, so I decided a gastric bypass was the only way I could lose weight. I qualified for free surgery (in the UK) and so I was on the waiting list, I just had to lose 24 lbs to prove that I had made a lifestyle change.

I just couldn't. For a million reasons it didn't happen.

Weighing 14lbs more than when I started trying to lose those 24lbs I finally had my a-ha moment. I wasn't unhappy because I was fat. The excess fat cells on my body didn't make me clinically depressed but lots of other things in my life did. So I set goals about my own life and started working towards them to change my life. None of them were weight related, they were all life related. Some of them were extremely difficult, some of them brought difficult things to the surface which caused pain to work through but all of them were worth it from where I sit today.

One day, when I started to feel better about myself, happier with my life, happier in my soul, I said that I would join Slimming World locally. They helped me lose the first 18 lbs. Then I went it alone. It's had it's ups and downs, I battle with a binge eating disorder which takes considerable effort to keep under control even 2 years later. My body is metabolically damaged (officially, doctor verified and all) and so eating carefully is the most important thing.

The biggest move forward in my life is rediscovering me. I found my competitive side that I left behind at childhood believing it was not lady like, I started to let myself feel sad, feel angry and feel frustration rather than burying it in food. I started being honest about who I was and that meant being honest with myself about the people in my life who did nothing but made me feel bad.

This year I will have been married 10 whole years. My wedding dress, is massively too big. At the end of 2012 I found myself at 54 lbs lost from start weight to end weight but weight has been lost and gained in between. Around 90 to go.

Now I'm about being me. That's enough. Mum. Weight Lifter. Injured Runner. Cyclist. Finder of Fun. Terrible Cook. 


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