I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a long time. It’s hard. And I’ve been trying to make sense of all the thoughts running through my head. So I’m just going to start things off by saying I have come a long way. However I haven’t reached the finished line when it comes to recovery. I am still working through a few things; however I’ve reached the point in my recovery where I am so close I can almost taste it. And you know who I have to thank for that? Every. Single. One. Of. You.
I have been a long time reader of healthy living blogs. It was this community that inspired me to step out of my comfort zone and get rid of my eating disorder for good.
Ok Lyric your getting ahead of yourself. I think I should start things off from the very beginning of the journey. This is going to be a long post so go grab a mug of tea and cookie, sit back and relax 🙂 …
I was always the “small” one. I was 4’10 in grade 8, weighed approx. 80 pounds, good in school, a gymnast and “popular” for lack of a better term. I never worried about my weight. I had a fast metabolism, my parents ate healthily and I went to gymnastics 2 times a week for 2.5 hours. In fact weight never even crossed my mind. But my appearance did. There was always something I needed to fix about myself. First it was acne, then hair, then clothes, makeup; you get the idea. I would become fixed on that one flaw and research, research, research how to fix it. I would spend all of my birthday money on products to fix that issue. I was a perfectionist.
My friends were no different. Less obsessive than me but we all had the same issues with self-love. It was pretty sad now that I look back at it. We thought self-love and being vain was the same thing. Despite the issues it was still a fantastic school year. And the deeper problems didn’t start to affect me until the end of grade 8.
The next year we were moving on to the high school. We were all growing up. Some of my friends were moving away, but the rest of us would all be going to the same school as I live in a small town with only one high school. I didn’t feel stressed or worried at all – until I started hearing stories of what it was really like.
The grade 11’s had this thing called a “draft” were they wrote all of the grade 8’s coming up to the high school the following year and would rank us. Then they would pick names and whoever you got was who you would try to sleep with. At first I thought it wasn’t true. I mean that is wrong in so many ways. I thought that until the draft actually came out. One of my friend’s brother was on the Hockey team that made the draft. He told her who was on it and what we ranked. She ranked 3rd and proceeded to tell us all of our rankings. I got 4th with some of my friends behind me and some ahead.
That night I picked myself apart. Trying to figure out why they got ahead of me. Was it my hair? My face? What. What was wrong with me? Eventually I gave up and went to bed.
A few days later one of the girls above me came over. We were best friends. We were getting changed into our bathing suits when she turned and said, “You think if I wasn’t so fat I would have gotten first?” I couldn’t believe my ears. I would have never seen her as fat. I’d heard her and a few of the others say this before but it never really phased me until now. Now I started to question myself.
If she’s fat what does that make me? Am I fat too?
Remember how I mentioned being OCD with fixing myself? I had just found my new flaw. My body.
I remember thinking to myself, I don’t want to lose weight.. I just don’t want to gain it. I don’t think I even knew what was happening until one day my mom asked me to eat lunch with her. She made tuna, veggies and chips. I sat down with her. Trying to estimate the calorie count. At this point I was only allowing myself 150 calories for every meal. I realized this one was probably way over and I started to cry. My mom was startled. She asked me if I didn’t like what she had made. And I said no it wasn’t that its just it over my daily calorie count. I cried and she held me. After that I continued on in denial. Until the end of summer. My mom took me to a doctor. I weighted 60 pounds at 4’11. I had lost 20 pounds from my already underweight frame.
My mom told me I needed to gain weight. But I couldn’t. Couldn’t bring myself to do that. We were going to Hawaii in 2 weeks and I thought I needed to lose a few not gain. So I lied when she asked me if I had eaten. I ate only an apple a day and a few bites of dinner. My mom made my plates but I had other tricks. I’m not going to mention them as I do not encourage this behavior.
2 weeks passed and I still hadn’t gained a pound. My mom was becoming more vigilant with my food intake and I knew I would have no control in Hawaii. So I took the next step and bought laxatives. That trip is a blur. ** I will show you a few photos but please do not look if you think these could be at all triggering to you. **
All I can remember is my mom telling me there were people going up to her saying they were worried for me. I collapsed. I couldn’t take it anymore. After that I started eating more. However I still struggled with thoughts and continued using laxatives. And then the binging started. I managed to gain all the weight my doctor wanted me to and I looked fine from the outside but I was struggling mentally. I had lost a few friends. They didn’t want anything to do with the messed up girl. My grades remained the same but I didn’t enjoy school like I used to. That was grade 9. Grade 10 was a bit better, but still not the best. I had my friends back again but this is when they started to get into things like alcohol.
My parents told me they didn’t want me drinking until I was at least in college. But I knew I would be excluded If I didn’t. So I did. I didn’t even enjoy drinking. My parents found out and I developed a terrible relationship with them. It was horrible. My mom used to be my best friend and now we barely spoke.
That was until Summer of 2013. I got two jobs and no longer had the time to go out drinking all weekend. I worked every Saturday from 8-5 and by 5 I was exhausted. I also worked at McDonalds. That was also when I started to find this community. It’s when I started reading your stories. You guys inspired me to get better. To find peace with food.
It’s also when I stopped drinking as much. I had never been an alcoholic I only did it to fit in. And I knew it was only hindering my process. I still went to parties, but just didn’t drink. Sadly this caused a few friends to drift away. In early December my best friend and the closest one I had left called me out on it. She said I wasn’t fun anymore and lame. It broke my heart. I went home and cried. My mom was so supportive. She told me whatever I wanted to do I could. And that’s when I decided to start online schooling.
About 3 days later the friend who told me those things began calling. Asking how I was, crying, saying she was sorry. I accepted her apology because that’s just who I am. No sense dwelling on the past. However I told her I needed a break. That we could hang out in January but I wasn’t ready to just yet. My Mom and I both thought it was best that I finished the year off online. I was making so much progress. The most I had had with my disorder in those few weeks than I had in years.
After Christmas I decided to start a blog and Everyday Lyric was born. I haven’t shared my story there yet until now. I wasn’t ready. I was still healing. Looking back I wish I had waited until February to start the blog as I still wasn’t eating nearly enough. Now however I make sure I do. I have fallen in love with weight-lifting. And eating healthy. Currently I am reverse dieting to try and fix the damage I have done to my metabolism over the past few years. I do hope to stop tracking one day, but right now this is what I need. I know if I do not, I will not get ENOUGH food in me and I can see that on past posts on my blog.
That is me today. Eating 2300+ calories everyday. There are days when I don’t track but for the most part I do to make sure that I’m getting enough. I work out about 6x a week, not because I have to but because I LIKE to. I weight lift five days a week. And walk one. Sometimes less, but never more. I enjoy life now. I have a new appreciation for it. Food is no longer the enemy but rather a tasty bonus to being human! I still need to gain a few pounds which I am working on with my reverse dieting. But I have come a far way. And a lot of that has to do with YOU guys.
So thank you.
Blog: Everyday Lyric